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Scoping Out 50 Years Of Statehood

Alaska is celebrating 50 years of statehood this year. Speaking as a 50-plus year old guy, I know what comes next. That’s right, it’s time for Alaska to get a colonoscopy.

No doubt the State could really benefit from a good cleansing and inspection of its lower tract. All the nastiness the federal gummint, the oil companies and the politicians have shoved down Alaska’s throat over the years had to end up somewhere. We need to be sure those hazardous materials are out of the way to prepare for the smooth operation of the State for the next 50 years. Sure, these medical procedures can be expensive, but I think we could use federal stimulus money to pay for it. It ought to qualify as a shovel-ready infrastructure project since it’s critical maintenance of Alaska’s Old Dirt Road.

6a00e55007cfb1883400e5534c305e8833-800wi.jpg I can just imagine our Official State Gastroenterologist, Dr. Ashman, performing the procedure. The Doc will slip the colonoscope into Alaska’s anal canal, which is otherwise known as the State Capitol Building in Juneau. A little lubrication may be required to do the job properly. The usual lubricant for that location would probably work best. So the Doc is going to have to slip the Sergeant-At-Arms guarding the door a little cold hard cash.

As the scope enters the State’s sigmoid colon, Doc A is going to encounter a tough bezoar of hair and whatnot lodged there. The hair is left over from Ramona Barnes’ beehive ‘do when she ran the Legislature, and it’s all bound up with tufts of llama fur that must have come off of one of the power suits former Senate President Jan Faiks wore. Yikes! Alaska doesn’t need that stuff anymore, not now that a new woman has a firm grip on the seat of power. The Doc will have to prise the hairball loose and flush it out of there.

Moving on up the descending colon, the scope will come upon a series of lesions in the intestine wall leaking an oily fluid and surrounded by ugly bile stains. Yes, it’s the sad remnants of the Exxon Valdez oil spill. The Doc makes a note in the medical chart to be sure to pursue the $100 million “Reopener” clause in the settlement agreement reached in the civil lawsuit against Exxon. In legal terms, this is known as asking for additional unforeseen damages, but in medical parlance the procedure is called a “walletectomy.” The Doc also notes that perhaps the lesions would heal up on their own if Exxon would just spoon-feed the State a strong dose of gas line development elixir.

The scope next passes into the transverse colon. Here, the Doc finds an odd looking polyp wiggling around. His first inclination is to snip the thing off. But then he takes a closer look and recognizes it as the Alaskan Independence Party. The Doc knows that this thing is benign. In fact, Alaska has gotten good use out of the AIP. It made for great copy during the last election when reporters from Outside discovered Todd Palin was previously an AIP member. So they thought the First Dude was advocating for Alaska to secede from the union!

Plus, Doc A recalls that there are guys in Russia predicting the economic collapse of the USA with Alaska reverting to Russian control. The AIP could come in handy if that came to pass. Almost all Alaskans would agree it’s far better to set up the independent Republic of Alaska than to become Extremely East Siberia. So the Doc leaves the AIP polyp alone.

Dr. Ashman finally pushes the scope all the way up to the ascending colon. Oh My Goodness! He finds diverticulosis, not far from the cecum. And it’s red and inflamed, clear signs of an active infection. This, of course, is the VECO scandal through which Alaskans have discovered just how little money it takes to buy an Alaska politician.

Doc A makes a final note to call the specialists from Washington, D.C. about this diverticulosis. A diet higher in fiber would also help, with the fiber being politicians who have a backbone and some actual integrity. The Doc has no illusions, though, about Alaska embracing the lifestyle changes that are necessary for this to happen.

And there you have it. Not a pretty picture, but a necessary thing for the future health of any 50 year old.