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Confessions Of A Hipster Doofus

Look, I’m willing to admit it. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, not really. Just because most everyone else does not feel this way is no reason that I should deny my true nature. You see, the thing is, I have to confess something: Arbitration clauses in contracts make me nervous.

Yes, I know, I know. Arbitration is trendy, arbitration is hip. It’s as cool as wearing sunglasses on a rainy night in Belltown. It’s as fashionable as those ugly plastic clogs with the holes in them. It’s as scenester as post-post-emo rock. Arbitration is so cutting edge that all those boutique lawyers who are putting the clauses into their copyrighted, intellectual property have paper cuts all over their hands. I mean, Dawg, what sort of hipster doofus doesn’t think that arbitration is just da wicked phat bomb?

Well, actually, that hipster doofus would be me. I paw through a lot of contracts. And every time I get to one where there is an arbitration clause (it’s happening with greater frequency), I wince. Usually I reach in my desk drawer and pull out the faithful red pen, a/k/a d’Artagnan. A swift stroke of d’Artagnan’s blade and the clause is excised from the contract, tossed back into the ever flowing river of the law like so much salmon guts.

HalfLoaf.jpg I don’t like arbitration clauses because arbitration can be a half-a-loaf deal. No matter how right your client may be in whatever the dispute is, arbitration carries with it a built-in pressure to compromise. People don’t like absolutes and usually look for a way to reach what they consider to be a happy medium. And arbitrators are people just like everyone else (or at least most of them are). So arbitration cases often result in a half-assed compromise decision that pleases neither side.

Plus, arbitration is outlaw territory. The rules the rest of us have to live by don’t apply in the land of arbitration. For example, the law is well-established in Alaska that a landlord of a commercial property can distrain for rent due, at least when the lease provides for it. (To “distrain” means to hold the tenant’s personal property until he pays up.) But an arbitrator is not obligated to follow the law. Some of them seem to know this. An arbitrator can decide that distraint is a barbaric custom that should have gone out with maiden rents. So the arbitrator can rule the landlord was wrong to distrain the tenant’s property and must pay the tenant damages for doing so.

And once the arbitrator rules this way there is almost nothing you can do about it. The courts won’t overturn an arbitrator’s decision absent showing out-and-out bribery occurred, or something close to it. The fact that the arbitrator was a stubborn pinhead who ignored the governing law on the subject gets you precisely nowhere in court. The arbitrator has ruled and the client is just plain stuck with that decision.

Sure, there can be instances where arbitration makes sense for some clients. When the client wants efficiency above all else, or when the client is a big corporation that is concerned about what a jury might do, arbitration would be logical. But in too many instances, arbitration is just a way to double-down on the regrettable uncertainty that is already built into the legal system.

So I have to confess that I’m way out of step with enlightened society on this. But what else would you expect from a hipster doofus lawyer who gives names to his pens?

By the way, did you know that the real person who inspired the character of d’Artagnan in Dumas’s books was killed in 1673 at the siege of Maastricht? The Musketeer caught a musketball in the throat. You can almost see him standing at the gate to the city, leading the charge with his rapier pointed forward. “One for all, and all for [bang!] . . . . gurgle . . . gurgle . . . gurgle.” It would have been ironic that a gun was used to kill the greatest swordsman in all of France, if they actually had irony back in those days. (I think of this every time I get red ink on my fingers.)